My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
