I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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