the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
