are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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