just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
