Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
they're like a gay fantastic four
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
