Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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