i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
