Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
