Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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