are you still at the devil's house?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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