i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
