I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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