i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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