ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
