Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Someone signed my nipple.
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