So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
