its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
