It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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