I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
