Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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