i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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