Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
