Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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