Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
