onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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