The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
