My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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