Where did you get a picture of my penis
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I deserve to be covered in dicks
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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