I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
His hands were made for my vagina.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
