i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
