Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
