what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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