I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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