Heybabeimwearingurpanties
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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