I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Mom said you looked used
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
