Moan for me like Helen Keller
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
