"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
MIDGETS
????
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
