I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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