he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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