good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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