i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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