I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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