First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
