I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
