I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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