Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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