I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just saw a hot homeless man
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
