She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
