My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
