Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
