Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
