I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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