She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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